FRESH PERSPECTIVE

So, if you were to talk to my studio mates that sit next to me and ask them about "Shawna's Random Thoughts", they would have some very interesting and not to mention embarrassing stories to tell you. I try to make it known that what I say after 11 pm (especially in studio) cannot be held against me because my brain is no longer functioning correctly. Well, this post is an exploration into "Shawna's Random Thoughts", but ones of a different nature.

The last few days have been challenging. I like challenging. I like it because it often produces good final results. However, I am just entering the beginning stages of this challenge, a.k.a. the really hard and lonely part. I knew it would be difficult, but I didn't really KNOW. It's like the difference between knowing your coffee is hot because your cup reads "caution: HOT", and knowing it's hot because it burns your tongue when you drink it. I now know because I felt the burn.

Now there are a few things you should know if you are reading this blog (which is shocking in and of itself because there are no pictures....lame I know). First, I am not writing this to vent (or gloat). Second, I am not looking for pity. Third, this is a blog of my life, not just "my trip to Ireland". I plan on posting the good and the bad, because to see only half the picture is not really seeing at all.

The last couple of days my friend Viola has been on my mind a lot. She joined us third year archies this past semester at Judson. Everytime something difficult comes up at school or just in general I think, "Oh my gosh, this must be how Viola felt!". Looking back, I wish I had the perspective I do now when I had met her. I don't think I was ever mean or anything like that. At times I was intentional about including her, but not nearly as much as I could have been. I keep thinking if I had really gotten it, if I had really understood what was going on I would have acted differently. I would have been SUPER intentional. But I get to go back to Judson now and treat people the way I wish I would get treated. This leads me to another thought.

How similar is this to all of life? I can't help but see parallels between this scenario and life and death. When I die I will see things in a whole new light. I know I won't be spending my time in heaven counting the ways I didn't get stuff right on earth....but just roll with me for a second (and remember by the time I post this it will be after 11 my time!). I don't want to overlook people. I don't want to overlook pain and suffering. I don't want to forget who this life is really about, but sometimes I do. I wish I could say I've got stuff figured out (cause my type A personality would love that), but I don't. I get stuck on my own problems and worries and dramas and really anything I can grab on to that is about me. Why? I don't really know. Maybe because we live in a society that is about fixing yourself so you aren't a burden to others rather than letting each other bear one another's burdens. I don't know about you but I prefer to hide my burdens in the basement. You know, I'm not talking about those nice basements with carpet and big screen TVs where teenagers hide out. I'm talking about that dark creepy basement with cobwebs that you never venture down to when company is around. Yep, those are my burdens in the back corner behind the water heater in the chest with the lock box in it. Safe, secure and out of the public eye. Maybe it's because I'm insecure and think that if the people around me felt like I was a burden, they'd simply move on to something new and easy and exciting. Maybe it's because junior high is the worst! Can I get an AMEN!

Maybe I'm stuck on my own problems because it's my choice. For better or worse, my problems are mostly my decision. If I really want to change, I can. It's predictable, which is easy, I suppose. When you start adding other people into the equation the product is unknown. Someone may be highly affected by your presence in their lives, or seemingly not at all.

Maybe, just maybe it's because if I let myself see people with all their problems, I won't be able to not change. Change. It is many of the things I try to avoid all bundled into one. Change is unpredictable. Change is unrelenting. Change is humbling. Change is more than knowing and more than KNOWING. Change is action. Change is hard.

So, after that bit of reflection, I return to the point. Life is hard for everyone....even for people who are good at hiding their burdens in the basement like me. The good news is no one has it all figured out and no one has too. The goal is not to solve world hunger. It's seeing the hunger guy on the corner and doing something about it. Jesus didn't die so we would know how to die....He lived so we would know how to live...without reservation...without apology.